S5 Episode 2: A Recap is a Recap is a Recap

So this episode, Aviva and Heather go on a double date to kick things off. We find out that Heather is Jewish by injection and that Harry did, in fact, inject half of the cast. I don't know if Harry is Jewish. I do know we seem to talk about him a lot.

Showdown at Bethesda Fountain

Cue theme to Gunsmoke -- I realized why I feel comfortable around Ramona. She grew up with yellers and screamers and so did I. I didn’t even hear my own voice until I was in high school. My favorite moment of this argument, though, is when Ramona, mid-meltdown, pauses to admire her shellacked fingernails. Luann doesn't seem impressed, even that they last three weeks!

Aviva and I met up at a vintage clothing store near my apartment. It's called What Goes Around Comes Around. It's a chic little place where you can get 1920s couture or vintage concert t-shirts, high-end or low. Aviva should really have grabbed that leopard jumpsuit, don't you think? It screamed mommy pickup.  

I didn't take the green dress, but I did get the blue cape I tried on. Take note because you'll see it again. It plays a big role in a future scene, and that's all I can say right now. Please let me address the contractually obligated recap of the recap of the previous scene. It looks as if I'm cutting Aviva off as we recap the recap of de Lesseps v. Singer case. I didn't mean to. It's just that in real life, I'm not used to gossip. I've had to practice this, too. I'd rather talk about boys, or, apparently, my breasts! Speaking of. . .what is going on with me? Before I was a Housewife, I was a run-of-the-mill single girl who I'm pretty sure didn't talk about breasts, and now I can't stop. My breasts are stealing all my scenes.

Uptown, Sonja demonstrates an in-depth understanding of the drip pattern. I was impressed and I think Rich from Zeff's was, too -- she'd be great at a crime scene. There was also some pretty hot banter going on here.

Rich: How ya doin'? I'd like to do a small water test, from your upstairs. . .down.

Sonja: Good. I'm just fixin' my skinny jeans.

Dial tone.

So, surprise -- turns out I have a love interest. His name is Russ, and he's so cute, no? He just released a new album and it's great. Musician boyfriends are fun. They write songs about you. Think Mick and Bianca and rented castles and sexy clothes. Okay, well it's not quite like that. At all. At least not so far, but he did write a song about me. It's called "Manhattan" and you can hear it in the show as we're driving around. Russ shot a video for it and I play the girlfriend, naturally.

His new album is called "Take Me Home" and you can get it on iTunes, and you should. I love it, especially "Manhattan" and not only because it was written about me. I also love "I Miss Being Lonely" and "So Close to Heaven," even though that song was written about a bunch of other girls on the road. I bought the album too, and I could have gotten it for free.

My favorite scene this week? The de Lesseps clan discussing the "French Problem." First, what did I tell you? LuAnn is my high school French teacher, reincarnate. (See previous post.) Noel is failing French, and possibly math, and he picked a really bad family to fail French in. I'm not worried, though. I think if Noel maintains his new study habits and sticks close to Jacques he'll be fine. Jacques steals the entire show in this scene -- I think he's my favorite Housewife. On French: "It's beautiful but it's useless. Good for the girls, maybe. Do you use your French accent with the girls?" On blaming the French teacher for your grade: What's the accent of the math teacher?

His lines are all sotto voce -- which is an Italian expression, not French, and also not from Google Translate but from my head -- and this makes them even funnier. This is a really nice family moment, but I wouldn't want to fail French with LuAnn.

Scoop Alert: In future episodes Carole leaves Russ for Jacques. They run away to Gstaad and open a French Accents for Dummies school. Jacques does a comprehensive water test while Carole bides her time shellacking her nails.

Joe, I need a glass of pinot grigio right away. Ramona, I am certain, knows the name of every man in every restaurant that carries pinot grigio. I think Ramona should call everyone Joe, and that this line should be the Housewife mantra for Season 6.

So, what did we learn this episode? Sonja knows drip patterns, Ramona's manicures last three weeks, Heather likes freestyle dinners, Aviva likes neat children and napkins, Jacques is really funny and, lastly, I can't sing.

There were six toasts this week, up from last week's count of five. And will someone please count references to Harry? Whoever comes closest to guessing the number of toasts and the number of Harry mentions at the end of the season will win French lesson from Jacques.