S5 Episode 5: I Couldn’t Help But Wonder…

I didn't think I was into this whole "social media" thing. Blogging, Facebooking, Tumbling, Pinteresting. What? I'm a writer. I like to get paid for my words. Plus I am old school -- you know, like pink While You Were Away slips and Sonja Morgan fax machines. I listen to vinyl albums at home (check out my crib). But old school is so 16,000 followers ago. New school is the new old school. And new school is like having recess all day. Two months ago, I didn't know what Twitter was and now I'm retweeting, livetweeting, and hashtagging quicker than a short fuse on the 4th of July. I communicate more with @suzyq485 and @wtf27 than I do my own mother. #himom.

A few days ago, my downstairs neighbor @trippswanhaus came upstairs with coffee and the news that @tomcruise and @katieholmes were divorcing. #shock. How fun to tweet I want to be wife #numberfour. We're just in my living room. It's just me and Tripp. So @trippswanhaus and I amused ourselves. We tweeted. Mrs. Tom Cruise #tomcar, #tomrad, #radzitom, Mrs. Cruisiwill. I could have gone on but then my sister @teresadifalco called. From Oregon.

"Hi Carole. What's going on?"

"I'm tweeting!"

"Yeah, I see that. Are you tweeting that you want to marry Tom Cruise?" @teresadifalco asked, as she scanned her Google alert.

Apparently it wasn’t just Tripp and me. A web site (Wetpaint) was also reading my tweets and now Tom Cruise and I are romantically linked in cyberspace. Forever. Me and Tom, just like that. I am both scared, and in awe of the power of social media. #irony

@teresadifalco banned me from Twitter, indefinitely. She doesn't know this, but I snuck back.

Showdown at Bethesda Fountain: Redux

[Insert Carrie Bradshaw voiceover here.]

On an island of nearly 2 million people, I couldn't help but wonder. . .will we ever all get along?

From the looks of it, maybe not. Is Ramona upset that Heather wasn't upset or is Heather upset that Aviva said she was upset or is Aviva upset that Ramona told Heather that Heather was upset? And didn't I too say at that now infamous lunch that I thought Heather was upset that we talked behind her back about her talking too much in front of us? I'm losing track of who is upset and why.

Aviva wants an alliance with the cool girls. Hello, Vivs? I'm #coolcarole. Heath is #gangsterchic. #keepitstraight.

I think the difference between the oldies and the newbies can be summed up in this one scene. While @IamHeatherT and @avivadrescher had a disagreement over who was cool and who was not and who was going and who was staying behind, neither of them mentioned their shellacked three-week manicure or their pinot-filled hat.

Meanwhile, @ramonasinger wanted to pow-wow with me about London. I wasn't expecting her to come in her shiny blue cocktail dress, but the thigh high leather boots, Jackie O sunglasses and mini-me mini-skirt really threw me off. Ramona is nothing if not surprising, and this is why I like her. She is also obviously still upset about not being invited and she doesn't even know that Vivs has told Heath she isn't cool. When I suggest to Ramona that she suppress her rage over the dis-invite, at least just while we shop, she looks at me like I'm a #unicorn and assures me she is perfectly calm. Did you see my double-take? Can you believe I made the famous Housewife hand gesture? Ramona's calm is HERE at Kelly Bensimon levels, and the rest of the world is here, with Bethenny. I promised myself I wouldn't do it and here we are -- only Episode 5 -- and I couldn't help myself. #reflex. I wished I had Mario's calming spray. In lieu of, I ordered the cheesecake.

All of that princess talk came about because I was planning a practical joke for @CountessLuann, to play out in London, and I wanted Ramona in on it. It involved titles, of course, and a curtsy. I wanted to trick LuAnn into curtsying to me, in public. Ramona loved the idea of LuAnn curtsying, which is why she curtsied, although it could have been the pinot. I can't be sure. I didn't go through with the joke. I chickened out, so LuAnn never curtsied but Ramona did. And I think I like the word "curtsy."

Instead I went all Jersey Housewife on everyone. Don’t f--k with Cinderella. Yeah that's right. I have Franklin Lakes street cred, too. I hung out at the Paramus Park Mall and I went to Asbury Park after prom. Watch out for my tag line next year: "Life is short, bring on the drama." #iheartjersey

London Hollywood Calling

Like I promised last week I was sticking close to Ramona. Walking to Curve we were practically holding hands. I wasn't going to let her out of my sight, but then I had that work call to take and sure enough -- I walk out to the street and Ramona walks Heather to the couch. I'm still confused over who is upset at whom but when I walked back in the store, Ramona bounced out of the dressing room right into my arms when she heard the commotion. You see, Ramona knows to stick thisclose to the drama. She matched my up-and-down jump with a #pogostick and raised me a case of pinot. #target

Date with Destiny

It's hard to watch yourself on a date. It's a blur, it's a swirl, it's a swivel seat. Peyman may not have looked 31, but I look like a 12-year-old at the Woolworth's counter waiting for my banana split. Like I said, it's hard to watch yourself on a date. It's also hard to watch yourself say #pussy. Full disclosure: I grew up Democrat but might be Republican by injection. #datedatexan

Sonja's drink date with Aviva goes better than mine when they discover they both love bows and also Ramona. Sonja loves Aviva, too, but for some reason is keeping the truffles off her truffle mac and cheese muffins for Aviva's anniversary party. Is there more to this story? I can't say.

Sex, Dating, & Fax Machines

My favorite scene of the week again involves @sonjatmorgan. #ilovesonja. How can you not? Even American Express sent her $1.47 worth of love. But why didn't I know Sonja when she had five houses, a yacht, and 75 in staff? I'm getting the bankrupt, tap water drinking, poop pill popping Sonja, the one with only one to three interns a day.

And, speaking of interns. Last week I launched a #stealingmillsaps campaign but that was before I knew there were three. I need between one to three interns a day, too, even though my apartment is all on one floor. #stealingnaomi #stealingtyler #stealingmillsaps. In addition to faxing, I can teach them about the answering machine, the virtues of a VHS tape, and introduce them to my P-touch label maker. Also, of course, Twitter. We will spend lots of time with the #tweet.

Until next time, loves.

#peace #pottymouth #rickperry #cool