S6 Episode 6: Fight Club Rule #2

Remember, last season, my Real Housewives Fight Club Rule #2: Invite me to your party.

Our little world thrives on party invites, it's an integral and recurring theme. Any show that has "party non-invite" as its central conflict drums up the operatic high drama of a good Russian novel. It's the Real Housewives' Crime and Punishment: first the horror of a non-invitation, and then the shattering aftermath.  

Heather's anniversary celebration was fantastic. It's inspiring to be around a couple like she and Jonathan, they're solid. They have great friends, and are generally the most fun couple I’ve had the pleasure to spend time with.

Outside of that, what's to say? Threesomes pair well with caviar. Ramona watched lion porn in Africa. Vivs still goes on and on with her rules, and her nonsensical analogies. I could go on and on telling you all the ways she was unsupportive of me but you’ve heard it and I don’t want to bore the life out of everyone. She doesn’t seem to mind.

Lu is still trying to figure out why we can't just all eat paella. Kristin seduced Elvis, and Ramona makes fluffy eggs.

Did I miss anything? Oh yeah, I dated George Clooney. Someone had to.

Jonathan asked me to write something for his and Heather's anniversary party. And like so many scenes where we are supportive, and not complaining about each other, it got cut.  If you read it out loud with an accent it rhymes. Here it is:

Ten Years

You're Super-wife to Jon,

and Yummie Mummie to Ella and Jax,

A friend to wayward Mermaid Queens, 

An upstate girl, with big city dreams.

You can roll tough with Puffy, and still giggle with the girls.

Ride motorbikes in denim, or rock a black dress and pearls.

You always do what is right, and not just what’s popular.

You tell people your mind, without judgment or gossip-er.

You're serious in business, yet playful in life.

Met Jon on a beach, now you're husband and wife. 

Like the Eagle and the Hummingbird,

the Lion and Lamb,

the Athlete and the Spectator,

Or Peanut butter, and jam

I draw from your strengths.

For our differences I give thanks

But also, for your cheshire cat smile

and those three-paneled tanks.

Cheers to your wonderful husband,

and your beautiful marriage,

and to our vodka-fueled cherry bombs.

and a friendship I chair-ish.

Did you notice this episode is all about S-E-X. Who’s doing it? Who’s not doing it? Who is doing what with whom? To read more about S-E-X get my new novel, The Widows Guide to Sex & Dating. Thank you!